Jack
In case you're a hermit, living in a cave (in which case, congratulations on being able to somehow rig up a Wi-Fi connection), you'll have noticed by now that Christmas is coming.
On the one hand, YAY, CHRISTMAS! On the other hand, OH GOD, IT'S CHRISTMAS!
Part of this anxiety around the festive season comes simply from there being too much *stuff* to do. Being Christmassy is effectively a part-time job. What with the Christmas plays, Christmas lunches, secret Santas, regular Santas, and all the other stuff that is somehow packed, tardis-like into the Christmas period. And that's just the generic stuff that you *have* to do. Then you've got all the family traditions that you always do just "because".
Now, a more organised/useful writer would give you practical advice on how to manage your time, make lists, or prioritise your mental health. But I'm not that kind of writer. Not by a long shot. But one thing I am good at is being lazy. So I would like to humbly suggest swapping out some of your normal Christmas traditions with some lazier ones.
First up, Jolabokaflod. This is an Icelandic thing that translates into "Christmas Book Flood". Where everyone gets given books on Christmas Eve, and you spend the rest of the day in bed eating chocolate and reading the books.
First, this is not a drill. There is genuinely a Christmas tradition that requires you to spend time away from other people, reading and eating chocolate. And it's Scandinavian, so you know that it's classy!
To do this, you'll need books, chocolate, and some suitably kitsch PJs. Make sure you plan it in advance with your family- "Gee, I hope we're all ready for Jolabokaflod gang!" That way, it doesn't just look like you've abandoned them to do something better.
Too lazy to take down your Halloween decorations? That's not a normal plastic witch! That's La Befana! Who is an old witch who gives children presents on Epiphany (5th Jan). So you don't even need to take them down till mid-January! What a win! She apparently only does this in Italy though, so you might want to consider a false moustache/Italian flag to throw your neighbours off the scent.
In fact, screw cleaning altogether! Ignore the kill-joys who claim you should clean your house before Christmas! Show solidarity with the people of Ukraine by adopting one of their proud traditions- the Christmas Spider. Legend has it that an old woman could not afford to decorate her tree, and awoke on Christmas morning to find with joy that a spider had spun its silk all over the tree. Nowadays people tend to use artificial spiders, but as a traditionalist, make sure you don't bother dusting for the whole of December for a proper "Christmas Spider" look. Or if you're not packing away the Halloween witch you might as well leave out the plastic spiders as well.
If the prospect of getting the decorations out of the shed/loft fills you with dread, consider traditional decorations- such as holly and/or ivy. Think of the Instagram posts! It's Victorian chic. Basically, all you need is a wheelbarrow, a pair of gardening sheers, and the cover of darkness. Remember when decking your halls with boughs of holly (fa la la la la la la la la etc) to ensure that any sharp and pointy leaves or berries are well out of reach of children, animals, and particularly stupid adults.
Can't be bothered to sort out stocking fillers? Just use shoes! Lots of countries have Father Christmas/Pere Noel/Babbo Natale stick toys in children's shoes rather than stockings. Seriously, look it up. That way, rather than having to buy a shedload of stuff, you can get away with only two toys per child (or only 1 if the child has a peg leg). The beauty of this is that children's feet are tiny- so you don't even need to get big presents!
Christmas Dinner is basically a massive Sunday roast with some extra stuff thrown in. But if you don't fancy cooking a massive feast, declare to your family that you are having an Australian Christmas, and fire up the Barbeque. The obvious downside of this is that you're going to be standing outside grilling sausages in December. But frankly, that's a small price to pay for not having to cut little crosses on the bottom of hundreds of sprouts.
Finally, when the kids are getting "over-excited" and you are seriously considering cancelling the whole damn thing, you can bring out The Krampus. According to our continental friends in central Europe, Krampus is basically an evil version of Chewbacca, who prowls the streets before Christmas with a big sack, and a bunch of chains. He's like Father Christmas, but instead of giving out toys he beats kids with chains and drags particularly naughty children off to Hell.
It might go against popular Gentle Parenting philosophy, but frankly, I'm willing to try anything for five minutes of peace and quiet.
But whatever the season brings, I wish you and your family a very Merry Christmas.
