Rachel
A lot of women (and men, and non-binary people) grow up dreaming of having kids. It is their main fantasy, their life's purpose, the reason they look for a partner. I was never one of those people. I never *hated* kids as such (well, not all of them), I just never saw what the big deal was. When I found myself single when I was closer to 40 than 30, I figured that I would not have children and that was fine.
Then I went for an innocent night out with a friend and ended up meeting the man who ruined it all by changing my mind about my breeding status. Don't worry, this will not be a soppy love story post. He was very drunk and tried to impress me by dancing to "Walk the Dinosaur", which apparently worked because here we are nearly 9 years later with 2 kids and 2 cats.
Anyway, I had a job and my own house and certainly was not expecting to ever end up becoming a stay-at-home mum. I won't bore you with the details, but basically childcare is scarce in my village and was too difficult to work around school hours, my job couldn't be done part-time, and my partner suggested that I could quit my job. I may not have dreamed of children, but not having to get up and go to work every day had been a life-long ambition, so I jumped at the chance.
Prior to this complete change of lifestyle, I was used to asking for gifts that fitted around the life of an office professional. Nice shoes, vodka, makeup, Champagne, handbags, gin and fancy pens. Now when people ask me what I want for my birthday / Christmas as a stay-at-home mum, my answers are somewhat changed.
Know your audience
There are stay-at-home mums that choose to make being a mum their whole identity, some that feel forced into making it their whole identity, and some who manage to separate the "mum" from the "me". The type of gift that you choose should be suitable for how she sees herself. Personally, I love getting gifts that are for me, but I also do like to receive some gifts that can be shared with my family.
With that in mind I have split my gift suggestions into categories.
NEVER buy an experience that requires her to have childcare without either offering or arranging a babysitter. Obviously, you need to know the kids well for this. I may be desperate for child-free time but I am not handing my babies over to my partner's auntie who I have never met but felt obliged to get me something.
Time Off
I used to laugh at people who compared being a stay-at-home mum to having a full-time job. Sitting in the house all day, watching TV, maybe doing a bit of dusting? How could anyone complain about that?? Now that I am living that dream, I realise that I was right: it is nothing like when I had a full-time job. It is several part-time careers (none of which I would have personally chosen) rolled into one. Only I don't get any time off, because even when children are sleeping, I still have to be aware of them, and I need to get some of my non-child centred jobs done. I'm a childminder, a cleaner, a cook, a personal assistant, a party-planner, a hairstylist, a chauffeur, laundry attendant…you get the idea.
You can buy something fun for her to do outside the home (without kids).
With all of these options, depending on what the recipient likes and your relationship with them, you can get these gifts just for mum to go on her own, or you can go with her. I mentioned babysitting, right? Right? Make an agreement with dad or someone else that can look after the kids if you are going with her.
- A fancy meal: Find out her favourite restaurant and buy vouchers for it. Have I mentioned babysitting? I have mentioned babysitting right? If the mum likes to partake in alcohol, you can even throw in a lift to and from the restaurant!
- A spa break / beauty treatment: This can range from a voucher for mum to get her nails done to a full spa weekend. Whether you want to go with her or let her be pampered on her own depends on whether she needs more adult company or a break from everyone.
- Theatre tickets: If you book a specific show rather than buying vouchers then you need to…can you guess? Arrange some babysitting.
- Babysitting: Just babysitting. Please, someone just take them away for a few hours. Okay okay I will let them go with partner's auntie who I have never met!
Sentimental Child-Related Gifts
As with all generic "what to get for someone" blog posts, you do need to apply a bit of thought to the situation. Some people don't want a gift that is meant to be for them but still relates to their child. However, even the most un-mumsy mums can have our hearts melted by a thoughtful gift relating to our babies.
These kinds of gifts are best to come from close family, or can be good ideas if you are a grown-up buying on behalf of a young child.
- Birthstone jewellery: There are some lovely necklaces, bracelets and earrings that can be purchased at reasonable prices from places like Etsy, or if you have the means to splash out then find a local jeweller to make something perfect. With jewellery it is always important to know that the recipient will like it, so make sure you know if they prefer bold extravagant statement necklaces or dainty subtle bracelets.
- Child art jewellery: If you can get hold of a drawing that one of the children has done, you can actually have it made into a necklace! Simple line drawings work best for this option.
- Photo Products: These days you can have photos printed on mugs, tote bags, pencil cases, blankets, phone cases, jigsaws…anything you can think of! Make sure that you use a high-quality photograph. Some messaging services compress photos so they will look fuzzy if you use them. Printing services are also another option for using art made by one of her kids.
Hobby-Related Gifts
This one could be a sore spot so tread carefully. I personally love receiving craft goodies even if they may be destined for my cupboard of broken dreams (see my previous blog post!) However, for some mums they may just be a reminder of what little me-time they get, or even a hint that they are not doing anything productive with all that spare time you think they have.
- Known past hobbies: If the mum that you are buying for used to be a crafter, a calligrapher, a violinist, a SCUBA diver, whatever, and they haven't been into it recently, then maybe a thoughtful gift will help them to take that first step.
- A shared hobby: If there is something that you are into and you are sure that they would enjoy it too, buy them some entry level items and make a point of meeting up to help them get started. We stay-at-home mums sometimes feel that we need an excuse to spend time with people who are not our kids!
- Practical hobby gifts: If you recipient is always speaking about getting things done around the house but can't get started because she doesn't have the tools, get a gift relating to that. Items like garden tools, power tools, paint rollers - just whatever is relevant to her needs.
Vouchers
I know that a lot of people see vouchers as a cop-out, but they definitely have their place when you are not sure what to get for someone. Obviously, it is best that you go for vouchers for a shop that you know they like, but if you don't know what that is then here are some general tips.
- Do not get vouchers for anywhere that sells stuff for children. This can be tricky if you want to go for more generalised vouchers, but you should really avoid it if you can. It is far too easy to end up spending it on those cute little soul suckers.
- Clothes vouchers for shops that only sell grown up clothes are likely to be appreciated. Personally, I love to get new clothes that are comfy for cleaning and doing chores round the house, but still nice enough to wear for the school run without looking like I have completely given up on myself. Your stay-at-home mum may want similar, or maybe she wants a nice dressy outfit to wear on one of her rare nights out. Or maybe a nice dressy outfit to clean the house and do the school run!
- Vouchers for brand name skincare products are always appreciated. We say the dupe products from Aldi are just as good, but sometimes a fancy bottle can make all the difference to trick us into feeling pampered. If you know her skin type, it is even better if you buy the skincare on her behalf. I sometimes find it painful to part with £50 for a moisturiser even if I am using a voucher that someone specifically gave me to buy moisturiser with.
Family Gifts
If you are buying for the whole family, it can be a good idea to buy a shared gift rather than individual gifts.
- Theatre tickets: I have mentioned this above as a "time off" gift, but tickets to a child-friendly show can be a lovely day out for the family. This one is best done in discussion with at least one of the recipients to ensure that everyone is available on the date of the show.
- Board games: My family all enjoy playing games, and it is great to receive new ones.
- Restaurant vouchers: Vouchers for a nice but child-friendly restaurant give mum a night off from cooking and dishes, as well as a break from the stress of fussy eaters who all want to eat something different (I include my lovely partner in that category!)
- Escape room vouchers: If the kids are old enough then this can be a great family activity. Or maybe it will cause arguments and resentment.
I hope that this has given you some inspiration for what to buy for a stay-at-home mum. If you are still stuck, then of course you should direct her to ThingsToGetMe and ask her to write a list. Send her this post too. I personally am so completely unused to thinking about what I want that it can be an impossible question to answer!
